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News Detail
Forced Apologies
By Dr. Jane Hannah, Currey Ingram Academy Lower School Division Head
(originally published in the October 15, 2014, issue of the Currey Ingram Academy Lower School newsletter)
(originally published in the October 15, 2014, issue of the Currey Ingram Academy Lower School newsletter)
By Dr. Jane Hannah, Currey Ingram Academy Lower School Division Head
(originally published in the October 15, 2014, issue of the Currey Ingram Academy Lower School newsletter)
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(originally published in the October 15, 2014, issue of the Currey Ingram Academy Lower School newsletter)
Since I was a child living with three siblings, I often wondered if forcing a child to apologize had any real value. As a child, I had no research to support my impressions about forced apologies; I just knew that if I didn’t apologize, something bad would happen to me. Often, a forced apology made me feel that I had lied because sometimes I really wasn’t sorry for my actions or words. Second, sometimes I became even angrier with my sibling than I was before the apology. Third, I sometimes felt that if I just apologized, even if it was a meaningless apology, it erased my wrongdoing. As I continued my work with children in schools and with my own children and grandchildren, I knew there must be a better way to teach the important social skill of apologizing rather than by forcing a child to say a meaningless, “Sorry!”
Each person in the Lower School is encouraged to be involved in at least one service project that not only benefits other agencies but also builds that sense of satisfaction and pride one receives from helping others. The Lower School theme is “Caring in Action” (CIA). Each homeroom or grade team is encouraged to select one community or school service project for the year. This month is a great time to help students get involved by caring for others.
Why do parents and teachers feel it is necessary for a child to apologize? There could be a number of reasons. Some adults feel that if a child just practices the act of apologizing long enough, even if it is not sincere, the child will begin to develop manners and social skills. Some parents feel that if their children apologize, it tells others that apologizing is important, and their friends will know that they have good social skills. Others feel that apologizing teaches their children to accept responsibility for their actions.
These reasons just don’t make sense to me. An apology means that you express remorse for something; you regret what you have done. A child might know that he should not have punched his brother, but this does not mean that he regrets doing so. He may even feel that his brother deserved the punch. Therefore, the parent has forced the child to lie by forcing an apology. Rethink the reasons you want your child to apologize. Is it to make you look better? Is it to help teach your child to take responsibility for his/her actions? Or, is it to help your child build empathy for others? If it is a sincere apology, then empathy and accepting responsibility are emerging.
I am not endorsing that children should not be punished when an aggressive act or another wrongdoing has occurred or that I don’t want children to be apologetic. Aggressive behavior, whether verbal or physical, should result in a consequence. However, after the punishment and after the child is calm, use this time to help your child work through his feelings so that you can begin to teach responsibility. The ultimate goal is that your child apologize because he regrets the way another person was treated. Even better is when the child thinks it was his idea to apologize – even if you orchestrated the apology, without force.
What are alternatives to forcing a child to apologize? As part of teaching children to take responsibility for their actions, children should learn to make amends (or restitution) for their actions. This process helps to rebuild trust with the victim. Below are steps in the process of teaching the art of apologizing:
1) After an incident occurs that you think warrants an apology, check on the injured child first. Whether it was verbal or physical, the adult should model that attention first must be given to the victim.
2) Is there a way you can involve the transgressor in repairing the problem? This might involve getting an ice pack or a tissue for tears.
3) After the punishment and your child is calm, guide your child to understand that the actions demonstrated were wrong (or a mistake) and how the offended party might feel. If your child appears sad or remorseful, it is a good time to encourage an apology. Until this step is understood and accepted, an apology is usually meaningless. Even if your child does not feel an apology is warranted, leave it alone for a while and move on to step 4.
4) Work with your child to identify ways to make amends. You might say, “What do you think you can do to make things right with your brother?” This step always involves an action. The action could be writing an apology letter, giving up a favorite toy to replace the one broken, using the child’s allowance to buy something to replace the damaged article or staying after school to help the teacher (if the teacher is the offended person).
5) After the action, the child may be ready to apologize. Parents and teachers should acknowledge to the child that giving an apology is hard, and you are proud of him/her.
Other helpful hints when helping your child learn to apologize include:
1) Avoid power struggles and placing yourself in a “no-win” situation. Avoid comments such as, “We are not leaving this playground until you apologize to your brother!” Where will this get you if your child never apologizes? You will probably be on the playground all evening. Also, how does it help your child if your child gives an empty apology?
2) Weekly Family Meetings can be used to teach ways of resolving conflict in the home. If there is a conflict that was not resolved through the usual means, the child can jot this concern on the family meeting agenda. Then, the entire family can help resolve the conflict. Sometimes, just knowing that this is an option will help to reduce arguments in the home.
3) Another powerful way to teach the art of apologizing is to model an apology. When you know that you have handled a situation poorly, admit your mistake and give a genuine apology. Don’t add on a reason, “I’m sorry I yelled at you, but I am under a lot of stress at work.” Just admit you were wrong. The “but” at the end of the apology negates the apology. However, if you overdo apologies but never make a change in your actions, your child is not learning the art of apologizing.
4) Use children’s literature to teach lessons for putting action into an apology. A couple of children’s books on apologizing include: Sorry! by Trudy Ludwig and Zach Apologizes by William Mulcahy. In Zach Apologizes, Mulcahy uses a four- step process to teaching the art of apologizing. You can go to http://www.freespirit.com/files/OTHER/Apology.pdf to download the four-square apology procedure (Step One: What I did to hurt somebody; Step Two: How the person felt; Step Three: What I can do the next time; Step Four: How I’ll make it up to the person.).
As presented, no one questions the need to teach children to apologize; however, forced apologies have little positive effect. Forcing a child to apologize may teach your child a memorized response and make you feel better, but it does not teach your child to accept responsibilities for his/her actions or to begin to understand another’s feelings. It isn’t easy teaching children to apologize with sincerity and empathy, but the approaches listed in this article may assist you in this process.
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Currey Ingram Academy
Currey Ingram Academy is an exemplary JK-12 day and boarding school that empowers students with learning differences to achieve their fullest potential. Since 2002, the school has been located on an 83-acre campus in Brentwood, Tennessee, just miles from Nashville and Franklin. Families from 33 states and eight countries cite the school as their primary reason for moving to Middle Tennessee.
Currey Ingram Academy is accredited by the Southern Association of Independent Schools (SAIS) and AdvancEd/Southern Association of Colleges and Schools Council on Accreditation and School Improvement (SACS CASI).
Currey Ingram Academy is accredited by the Southern Association of Independent Schools (SAIS) and AdvancEd/Southern Association of Colleges and Schools Council on Accreditation and School Improvement (SACS CASI).
